Monday, January 31, 2011

A Dream.....

I feel like I need to document this emotional journey of the last couple of weeks. This whole pregnancy, I have been thankful for a healthy baby, and have been prepared to have another little boy. Jonah melts my heart so much and is so fun-loving that I can't imagine not welcoming another sweet boy. However, knowing this will be our last baby, I was really dreaming of having 1 more girl. Julia is so sweet and brings a softer element to our house, among all of these boys. She has been praying for a sister for so many years. I can't deny that I would love to balance out all of these boys a little, too. Plus, we have 3 upstairs bedrooms available to the kids and a girl would also allow a nice division among the rooms : 2 boys, 2 boys and 2 girls. I prayed and prayed. I worked hard not to get my heart set on a girl, but the desire was always there and I would share that with God constantly (while trusting His perfect plan).
     At 16 weeks (2 1/2 weeks ago), I had an ultrasound with my OB. I started to get really nervous because, that day, it dawned on me that I may find out the gender. My OB looked and looked and all he would tell me is that he "couldn't see anything between the legs". I don't think I realized how much those words would torture me for the next 2 weeks. It gave me a hope that it might be a girl but it was really too early to confirm anything. So, all of these months, all the work I put in to trying to convince myself it was a boy, was kind of starting to fade. I didn't want that. I didn't want to start envisioning the baby as a girl, unless I knew for sure. I needed to guard my heart. It was a long 2 weeks because of how hard I had to work on controlling my thoughts.
     So, last Wednesday (at 18 weeks), I was at the perinatologist for an ultrasound. My appointment was at 4:00 and I was so nervous. I continued to be tested as I sat in the waiting room until 5:45, when they called me back...the last appt of the day. Well....both the assistant and the Dr. confirmed that it was a girl. I thought I would faint. My heart was beating so hard during my ultrasound (before I found out it was a girl) that the assistant said it sounded like the baby's heartbeat. I found it so hard to believe them and had them tell me over and over. They even gave me a picture to take home with the "3 little lines" to show me it was a girl. When I left, I felt like I was floating on a cloud. I cried on the way home.
    The kids wanted me to tell them in person. So, I stopped at the party store on the way home and got a bunch of pink balloons. When I walked in the door, all the kids came running to greet me. Their jaws dropped and they all screamed and jumped with happiness. There was a giant group hug. Julia told me that she felt like she needed to cry for Joy. So, she clung onto me and whaled for quite a while. The boys kept checking to see if she was ok. It was so surreal and so fun to see how excited everyone was.
     Today is Sunday, and it still hasn't completely sunk in. Every time I think about it, I can't believe it. God is so good to give me my heart's desire, even though I don't deserve it at all.  I am so humbled. God is good...even when He answers us differently than what we ask for...but He has been so gracious to us. The funny thing is, if I had a girl instead of Jonah, I have a feeling I would have felt "complete" and maybe wouldn't have had such a strong desire for another baby. Then, I wouldn't have sweet Jonah. I am so happy that it happened this way. Now I have Jonah and a baby girl on the way.      Excited for a new journey again, after not having a baby girl for 8 years! It should be fun. (And....so many cute girlie things have come out in the last 8 years!)  I am even excited for Jonah to have a baby sister, because Josh and Julia have such a sweet relationship with each other. I feel like I MAY just finally have a feeling of "completion" after this little one. I never have felt like our family was complete. The Lord always put this desire in my heart for another baby. I can't know for sure now, but I am hoping and praying to have that feeling after this precious one is born. Loving this baby and excited to meet her. The kids are wishing it was already June. In some ways, I agree with them!

3 comments:

Kelli said...

I LOVE IT! I think you should call her Joy because of Julia's comment! How sweet!

Andrea H said...

Oh my goodness I have chills and goosebumps and all my hairs are standing on end. Such a great sweet story of God's love - and not only his provision but his GRACIOUS provision. Giving us and then giving us even MORE. Oh I LOVE it and oh yes what JOY. Congrats Andrea- such a blessing!!! xoxo

Anna Goetz said...

brought tears to my eyes!!!!